Hard conversations. We do not want to have them. We avoid them. We hope that the issue and the person causing the issue will just go away. That would be easier, we tell ourselves.
Hard conversations suck
Hard conversations suck because in order to have them we have to be vulnerable. We have to expose ourselves a bit. We have to own up to the fact that we are not happy with a particular issue or person. And in doing so there is risk. And risk, we tell ourselves, sucks big time!
Risk of being yelled at, laughed at, dismissed, misunderstood, or completely rejected. When these things happen we feel unheard. We feel unimportant.
We so desperately want to be heard; we want to matter. Even if we are not agreed with. “Please, just listen to me. Please, care” is our plea.
To be heard, you need to have a “pre-conversation” with yourself
I know that this may sound a bit silly, but you’ve got to find a way to get head and heart clarity. Ask yourself, “What’s going on inside of me?” “What do I wish was different?” “What is the real issue?”
That last question is the most important one to ask yourself. Until you can figure out the real issue, your lack of clarity is just going to cause more confusion and pain. Let me repeat: Your lack of clarity is just going to cause more confusion and pain.
Let's say that your issue is related to your compensation. You feel that you are worth more than what you are receiving at work. And perhaps because of that you are resentful and you're allowing your work to suffer due to your resentment. The real issue may be that you know you're in the wrong career, want to start your own business, and are afraid to let your current gig go. Getting clarity like this will help you have the right conversation with your boss — not one about a raise, but rather one about your resignation.
And here's a real-life example. I remember a time when my relationship with my 4 kids had gotten a bit strained. Some difficult stuff has been going on for me personally, and I was letting it affect how I was interacting with them. I was becoming, “Bad Dad.” The real issue was that I did not know exactly how to have a, “I’m really hurting and I’m sure you are too” type of conversation with them. I was actually afraid that my kids would reject me. That was my real issue. I was afraid of being rejected and thus hurting even more.
To be heard, you need to let go of negative emotions
If you want a productive result from the conversation, holding onto destructive emotions will not help you get there. Let go of these as much as you can.
There are various methods that you can employ to do this. Two that I use are: “Name It, Claim It, and Shred It” and “Send It On Its Way.”
To “Name It, Claim It, and Shred It” take a piece of plain paper and write down the destructive emotion that you are feeling. Write it down in a way that affirms your responsibility for your emotion. If you are upset because of what someone said to you, you might write: “I am choosing to feel angry at my friend for calling me an idiot fathead.”
Eleanor Roosevelt famously stated, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your emotions are your emotions. No one can make you feel anything without your consent. Whatever you are feeling is yours. It’s your emotion and your choice to have it and hold on to it. Own your emotions.
Then write on your sheet of paper, “I forgive myself for my anger. I choose to let it go.” Put the paper in the shredder (or tear it up if you are shredder-less) and literally let it go into hundreds of little pieces.
To “Send It On Its Way” find a comfortable and quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Picture yourself sitting in front of a gentle river. Take several deep breaths. As you breathe deeply scan your body for where the emotion is residing. Picture the emotion leaving your body, landing in the river, and gently floating away.
With our example of the career issue, you may choose to take the “Name It, Claim It, and Shred It” method. Take out that piece of paper and a sharp pencil and write, “I am choosing to be mad at my boss for not paying me more. I am choosing to be angry at myself for continuing in a job I hate and not having the cojones to leap into photography — the career I know I’d love!” Then you write, “I forgive myself for my anger. I choose to let my anger go.” And then shred it! You're done with the anger. It's gone.
Before I talked with my kids, I turned off the light in my home office, turned off my phone and laptop, and sat on the floor. I breathed deeply for about a minute. As I scanned my body I found frustration in my head and fear in my heart. I expected to find the fear, but the frustration surprised me. Until doing this exercise I had not realized that I was frustrated for feeling like I had to deal with this issue. I pictured myself gently removing the frustration from my head. The frustration looked like a tennis ball-sized brown marble. I set it in the crystal blue waters of the river and watched it float away. Next, I pictured myself reaching into my chest and pulling out a similarly-sized dull yellow marble of fear. That too, went in the river. I calmly sat on the riverbank and watched it float away. When both balls of frustration and fear where out of sight, I took a couple deep breaths, gently opened my eyes, stood up and went to find my kids.
To be heard, you need to let go of expectations beyond your control
Easier said than done, I know. It's worth trying, however.
You’ve decided to have that hard conversation, you’ve figured out what the real issue is, and you’ve let go of any destructive emotions. Now you need to settle into the fact that you can only control how you speak, what you say, and what you feel. The person (or people) you need to talk to are outside of your control.
We’d all love it if our hard conversations ended with the exact best possible outcome. This, of course, doesn't always happen.
As you talk, focus on what you're saying and how you're saying it. Control your words and your emotions. That is all you can do. Do not try to control how anyone else reacts. This will not go well. At all.
Back to our career example. You have the conversation with your boss. You talk openly and honestly. You tell your boss about your love for all things photographic. You are fully ready to turn in your resignation. You are ready to leap into the crazy world of self-employment. Your boss may surprise you and say that she’d love to keep you on part-time until you have your new business up and running. She may also say that she has some great contacts for you and your new business adventure. You never know. And you won't know until you have the conversation.
And now back to me. As I talked with my kids, I sought to be as clear as possible (which meant repeating myself a few times — for some reason I think that repetition brings clarity. . . it doesn’t). I told them of my hurt and how I was unfortunately letting it affect my relationship with them. I was truly sorry for this. I do want to be the best dad that I can possible be for them, so I asked them for help. I asked them about their hurt, too. We all felt heard. We all felt more cared for.
I’m glad that I did not avoid the conversation. It was hard. But it was a good type of hard.
Try these steps the next time you need to have a hard conversation. You will feel heard, and that is the goal.
